I made it my mission last night, as I began my now routine nightly walk, to find the meaning of the goodness of God in my own life. I soon found out that this would not be an easy task.

Since the goodness of God, or rather the goodness of anything, is such a large topic, I tried to narrow it down by examining, in my head, the word “good.” What does it mean to be good? I’m a father of two, so it was easy for me to compare a good father to a bad one, so that’s what I did.

A good father naturally desires to provide for his family/children. A good father appropriately discerns the needs of his family and does whatever he can to meet those needs. While the opposite only concerns himself with his own need, or the perception of a need, and therefore disregards the needs of his family.

A good father naturally weighs the wants of his family, even though it would please him, if but for a moment, to give them whatever they desired. But he knows that giving them whatever they want could eventually ruin them (for a case in point, Google “Paris Hilton”).

There were several other points that floated around my head but I was primarily fixed on these: God desires to, and therefore does, provide for me. And, God weighs my wants.

In other words, the goodness of God is His provision in my situation; the goodness of God is His discernment within my situation.

Now as I was walking, and talking aloud to myself, I began to think of all the times God’s goodness was displayed in my life through his provision; the jobs I’ve had, the food on my table, the gifts that came not a moment too soon – all of these things support the notion that God’s provision is His goodness being displayed in my life.

And then I thought about all the times I’ve wanted excess; all the times I’ve wanted the perfect job but didn’t get it. I thought about all these things and determined that I am who/what I am today because I never received those things. But what if I had? What if I received that job and moved away and never met my wife? My life would be radically different, would it not? I wouldn’t be a father, or at least the father that I am today. My situation would be different, and to extract Donald Miller, I would be living a different story. It must be the goodness of God that weighs my wants and balances it according to His will. If not, wouldn’t things be so much different or easier, if only for a short time?

After my walk I came home and shared my thoughts with my wife, Melissa. Then I sat down and found a few websites that talk about God’s goodness. One said, “The goodness of God is a character trait which applies to every other attribute. God’s wrath is good. God’s holiness is good. God’s righteousness is good. God is good in His entirety. There is nothing about God that is not good. There is nothing God purposes for His children that are not good. God gives to His children only that which is good. And He withholds nothing good from us. God is good, and He is at work in our lives for good. Nothing which God creates, nothing which God accomplishes, is not good.”

If I’m being completely honest, the goodness of God confuses me. I think we are too quick to narrow it down and justify God’s goodness as if we get it; as if we fully understand God’s work within us. I believe that God is good. I believe that everything about Him is good but I get hung up sometimes on what exactly “good” looks like.

I was reminded of a video I saw a few months back. It was about a tribe in the Amazon who buries little children alive as part of a tribal ritual. I almost threw up when I saw a man bury a little girl, alive, no more than 4 years old. As soon as the man left, her brother ran and dug her back up and started to carry her away from the tribe when the man spotted him and yelled, “Bring her back! She must die for the good of the tribe!”

The screen went blank for a moment and came on again; this time the man was standing on top of a small hill, packing the soil with his feet. That, from my eyes as a father, is not “good.” It’s far from it. The situation of the men, women, and children who die every day from lack of clean water is not “good.” The situation of the young women, who unwillingly lose their virginity to selfish, disgusting men, is not “good.”

Like I said, I believe that God is good, I really do. And I believe it with my entire heart. I also believe that God “makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” I get all that. I guess, when seeing so much “bad” in the world around me, I have a hard time understanding what it really means to be “good.”